Fear of ‘Curmudgeonhood’

Fear of ‘Curmudgeonhood’

It has become a deep concern to me of late that I am becoming a curmudgeon. When one goes to the Miriam-Webster Dictionary (online, of course), a “curmudgeon” is defined as “a crusty, ill-tempered and usually old man.”

In this equal-opportunity era, I am sure the sexual requirement of this definition can be waived, as many others are so blithely by-passed these days. I do believe that waxing into a full-blown “curmudgeonhood” does not require one to be “old” anymore, either.

I think that “curmudgeonhood,” occurs quite regularly now and is the natural outgrowth of the fact that living seems to be quite simply the death of us. Things that were once the true pith and juice of life or just the simple activities of daily living are now frequently fraught with danger and impending doom.

Remember when you could have fun-to-be-so-bad sex on the beach with joy and a shiver of delight? The really only bad upshot of this event was sand in every imaginable and unimaginable place, some insect bites, and perhaps some embarrassment over a bared behind. Now if one engages in procreation of the species with nubile outdoor abandon you can die of lime disease and/or the human immunodeficiency virus; or get shot for trespassing.

When did eating stop being fun and no longer deliver gastronomic gaiety? It is now a “deadly” affair! Red meat and butter will kill you. Tuna fish, red fish, blue fish and green fish are full of mercury. Foods that should be simple good, honest fare are now enriched, lactose-free, high-fiber, low fat, low protein, high-vitamin, low calorie and labeled “this amount of this tasty product” might not kill you.

Simply carting the above foodstuffs from the automated check-out line to the car can be life-threatening. Please note the label on those plastic food-carry bags that warn not to allow children to place the bags over their heads. This can cause suffocation. I will not even address the fact that there might be some unseen benefit in this eventuality.

Even cooking the results of our shopping expeditions can now be dangerous. Have you ever really read the warnings inside the door of your microwave oven? If you want to continue using this modern-day marvel, I advise against it.

Cell telephones, boons and banes to our existence that they are, can cause loss of brain cells and mental retardation. Has anyone else seen the un-popped popcorn kernels explode into puffy white fulmination when placed next to a ringing cell phone? Now there is room for thought! Better do it quick, though. Is that your phone ringing?

Healthcare is the cause of much concern as well. Most everyone has had the “weighty” experience of that skirt, vest and/or pantaloons that you are required to wear as your inner workings are being X-rayed for further recommendation. Don’t you just love how the health “techie” person just scurries out of the X-ray room with that “no teeth” smile?

I could move on to children; especially teenagers. But, you know, they are sliding into “curmudgeonhood” at an alarming rate as well. Poor dears are being told that those caffeinated energy drinks are now toxic and that their head-phone music listening habits will deafen them before they are thirty.

Boy, just thinking about all of this can be depressing. Though, there actually may be a bright spot… or two. Do I recall correctly reading something about a couple glasses of red wine and reduced heart disease?